Matt asked me earlier exactly who among my circle of friends read my blog. My answer to his question was none of them.

It struck me later now depressing the nature of that answer is. Not a single one of my friends reads my blog or cares that I have one, if they’re one of those that remember I even keep one.

So this leads me to the rather obvious question:

Why do I keep writing it?

I'm turning into a tattoo whore...

Matt just came online...

…and suddenly, all seems right with my world. =]

I'm emotionally fucked up.

I’m almost certain of this.

Since I think I’m falling in love already, only 2 weeks after my breakup with James. I mean, sure, I loved him, but I also loved Charlotte at the same time, and I still do love Charlotte…

But now…

Now, I think I could be falling for Matt, and by god is this dangerous territory. I don’t want to fall for anyone yet. We’re supposed to be giving this whole relationship-thing a go when I return to Aberystwyth and see where it takes us; go steadily, not rush into anything and ruin an amazing friendship in the process…

But I’ve never been so frightened in my whole life.

I’m terrified to my very core and can’t help but think that this is the reason for my rather alarming nightmares of late. Especially since I don’t usually have them, and certainly not this regularly.

Part of me wants to fall for Matthew, the same part of me that relishes the feeling of loving someone and is proud of the fact that I have the capacity to love more than one person at any one time based on their own merits. But another part of me is scolding me for it, accusing me of not even knowing what love is, that what I feel isn’t real, just some pathetic need to be the centre of someone’s attention, of someone’s life. And I can’t tell if that’s even true or not.

I already have a habit of falling for my best friends, and since that’s what Matt is, I was in danger of doing so weeks ago. I’m already waist-deep. But I am so, so scared, yet strangely exhilarated at the same time.

I’ve never been so eager to talk to someone, hear their voice, read their messages on MSN or Facebook. Gods know I haven’t waited up online for hours to talk to someone even just for 5 minutes for years, but that’s what I find myself doing for Matthew. I tell myself I’m being stupid, but I can’t seem to stop; I don’t want to stop. I’m happy; I wake up every morning with the same stupid smile on my face that I had when I went to sleep.

Yet I can’t help but think that feeling this way so soon after James is downright wrong and abusive to the memory of our relationship (if you could call it that). I can’t help but worry that I’m just an attention-seeker and a whore who just has to have a guy’s attention on her to be happy, and, if that is the case, then I’m terrified that by being myself I’ll hurt Matt or not treat him the way he deserves…

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing here… I want so desperately to talk to someone about it all, but there really isn’t anyone to talk to about it. I don’t know what to do…

Funny how when I first broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, I couldn’t listen to a love song because of how it made me feel.

Now, they’re all I want to listen to, and I’m pretty sure that has nothing to do with him.

Over him, much?

i can't believe i'm crying over this same shit again. i tell myself over and over again that i don't need him.

infinitebutterflies:

curiousgrace:

but really i do.

i can’t fucking take this.

i don’t even know why i like him, but i do.

it’s bizarre; its never been like this before.

he could completely fuck up my life and i’d still love him.

god, please help me.

i can’t get over this.

im sorry you are in this situation love. just breathe. i know its easier said than done, i was in your situation. i was in love with a boy who knew i was in love with him. he was able to subsequently lead me on and emotionally cripple me for 3 years. please dont let someone do that to you. just give yourself some space and surround yourself with people who love you as you love them. if you need someone to talk to about this, feel free to e-mail me.

=] I kinda wish someone had done this for me when I split up with my boyfriend. It’s so nice that you’re doing that for someone.

I come home to get away from my residential issues with overdue rent and so forth, and it freakin’ follows me home. And now I’m stressed out about it.

Sod? You know, the one who wrote the Law? Yeah, you.
Fuck off.

I confess that in 2009, I have....

infinitebutterflies:

thelovelybones:

heythereace:blogspotoriginal:-dannx:thechocolatebrigade:

( ) stayed single for the whole year
( ) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else’s heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget
(x) done something you’ve regretted
(x) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog
(x) listened to music you couldn’t stand
( ) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you

In 2009 I…
(x) broke a promise
(x) lied
( ) went behind your parents back
(x) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
( ) slept under the stars
(x) kept your new years resolution
(x) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
( ) left the country
(x) almost died
( ) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
(x) had a high cell phone bill
(x) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
(x) went to the beach with your best friend
( ) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
(x) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people